22 May 2003

Spent all of 20 minutes outside yesterday. I had my sunglasses, but not a hat. The bright sun and hot weather took their toll; I had a headache and was crabby the whole evening. Apologies to Mama and Papa.

Got a phone call on Tuesday from the Headmaster of my alma mater asking me to sing at the baccalaureate Mass...tomorrow. His vision was to have former choir members sing a prelude, and to have me organize it. (Me? Organize something? Naw, no one ever asks me to do that!) I couldn't get a hold of him to discuss it until this morning. Unfortunately, between the people I don't want to work with and refuse to ask, the person who has to work, and the person told the Headmaster she'd sing but who hasn't been home all day and apparantly doesn't have an answering machine, it looks like I'm doing a solo. As much as I loved that school, I remember why I was glad to graduate. Gah! Organization? In advance? What do those mean? Wait, wait--just got a hold of the girl who wasn't home. We've agreed that with just two of us, there's no point, and since it's only a prelude, no one will miss it. I don't really feel obligated to the school anymore, but I'm so conditioned into saying, Yes Headmaster, of course, Headmaster, anything you say, Headmaster, that I have a hard time saying no. So she's going to call him and say no for me. *big grin* Problem solved.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Grumble grumble. Nothing serious. I have to get a prescription refilled and the bottle says "0 refills left." So I have to talk to the doctor. My first appointment since my 18th birthday, so this will be my first time seeing a doctor who is not a pediatrician. My mother asked if I was ok with going by myself. "Yeah, I'm a big girl." I said. I'm a bit surprised that I'm not really nervous. For as long as I can remember, the thought that I might have to talk to a stranger absolutely paralyzed me. I've made leaps and bounds in the past two years. I can now enter a store and make a purchase by myself, I can ask a clerk to show me where an item is if I can't find it myself, and I can speak to a waiter in a resaurant in a voice that is actually audible. I'm becoming a normal, nearly independant human being. Well what do you know. And yes, once upon a time I was incapable of doing those things. It frustrated my parents no end that at the age of 16 I could barely make phone calls even to people I knew or go to a party by myself. I can do those things now. I'm not shy anymore. I'm still reserved, but that is different. That has more to do with pride than fear.

Next weekend I'm the cantor for the 5pm Saturday Mass. I don't get to choose my own music because they have to make the "worship aides" that have now completely replaced the OCP missals and hymnals which formerly graced our pews. Believe it or not, getting rid of the OCP books has not improved the music. It's actually gotten worse, which I hadn't thought possible. Tony said that he would choose "conservative" music for me, though. (Chant? Only in my dreams.) I've been emailing him articles about Gregorian chant and quotes like the one from Cardinal Ratzinger in which he says, "Rock music is intrinsically opposed to Christian worship," ever since I've been at college. He gets the point, that I'm not happy with what's going on. But he hasn't done anything to change. I think the pressure from our pastor (whose taste in music runs toward white gospel and who actually encourages the congregation to clap along with livelier numbers) is too much for him. He claims to be "hooked on Christian praise music" but I can see the weariness in his eyes and manner. He's hooked on keeping his job.

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