29 May 2003

I'm feeling restless, and I'm not sure why. It may have something to do with suddenly starting to think about religious life again, which I haven't thought about for almost two months now. I don't really know what my vocation is. I went for 8 years almost sure that God was calling me to religious life, and my suspicions were only confirmed by the fact that I never really had any opportunities for romance. But now I do have that opportunity, and like most healthy 18-year-olds I jumped at the chance, and it doesn't feel wrong. But how much should I trust my heart and how much should I trust my head? Trusting the signs is, at this point, out of the question, as I'm starting to think that every bird that lands in the tree outside my window is trying to tell me something. I guess I just have to keep asking God to hit me over the head with a 2x4, as Christopher West would say, and hope that eventually it penetrates my inordinately clouded intellect. Or maybe I just need to sit tight and try to keep an open mind. The Master seems to have a propensity for only lighting one step of the path at a time, much as we'd like to see the whole path. It's just so hard for me to get used to walking that way.

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